so mad

I wasn't wrong in saying that it won't last long till we start saying what we really think of each other. It's been abt 1 week since we started to live with parental units, and:

1. I have prepared documents for divorce with hubs;
2. I have just told my dad that I hate and despise him and that I'll never forgive him.

I thought I was so over that. But when you're 30 and you hear your mother is STILL entering your room and checking out things when you're away, and not going to sleep with high temperature/virus/dangerous sickness, because you're staying in town untill "horribly" late - 11.30 (the event finished at 10, and I decided to have a glass of wine with my friend afterwards). And when you hear your dad calling you the same name again - an object. A thing... That's my childhood name, it took decades to recover. Living with them took decades to recover and I can't believe how healthy I finally made myself (to compare with the programmes they tried to install).

I might be much more of an adult than them, but WHY do I have to cope with this?

Enough is enough.

I'm not a berserker and I don't have much anger energy. My parents though are filled with anger and rage. Towards the world - rather passively, cuz generally they fear authority and idealize it, especially my father. They hate simple peaceful people though and generally, they despise fun and joy. Towards each other - very actively and agressively, because you have to let it out Somewhere. I can't count how many times my parents wished each other death, even now, when both of them are so sick and it's not simply words but probable reality. I can't calculate how many times I heard I am good for Nothing, even when I was a grown up, even when I'm trying to balance a household with 3 jobs & small child at the face of fin. crisis (or rather, a total bankruptcy in the country and personal). They still use the same methods for manipulation and insults - e.g. you will never be able to hold a job. Um, I have 3 of them. Well you're good for nothing anyways, cuz you live with us.

I don't swallow. I scream and shout and call them names. And I'm shaken, this makes me think. Cuz usually I'm and used to be a black sheep in da family - striving for fighting free environment.

The reason why I forgave him, for that time, was PITY. I finally understand my weakest link. It's not anger, not dependance, not being spoiled, not hoping that the people will do something for me, but pity. I justify my father, claiming he had been depressed when he had treated me like shit. I justify my mother, because imagine how she felt like a lil girl, then a young woman, and now. I justify my husband, my mother in law, my father in law. I get into peaople's shoes and see their point of view, even if they are opposite of me. And then I justify their behavior, and idealize them, because of the pity and my ability to feel for another person.

But I starting to think two things right now:

1. Pity is not what people need. They need real consequences of their behaviour, to be free. By not treating them the way they deserve, I interfere with their freedom Freedom is responsibility, and if they don't face the consequences, the responsiblity for the actions is erased, so is the initial freedom of choosing the actions. In this way, the freedom eventually stops being exercised, it simply dies, because there are never consequences. Thus actions are taken randomly, accidentally;

2. Pity destroys my freedom, too, because instead of making real life choices, I make them on the basis of ideal, unexistant, imaginable evaluation of reality.

3. I kill by pity. People need real love, real hate, real things. If they don't get it, they get agreesive. Not in your face, because you seem to be too convenient and there is no appearant reason to insult you, but in many ways, the agression gets through. Because the thing must be long-over, it should have changed and there should be other things in the lifes of all parties, but I just can't let go, with inadequately peaceful, dictated by pity reactions.

And it haunts me through my life. The empathy makes me stay, when relationship is over and try and try and try, and believe the best in the person.

They don't even like you, Lava.

Yet I just can't believe the horrible truth that the person I love can:

1. cheat;
2. lie;
3. hurt me on purpose.

Because I could never do that to a person who loves me. Or could I?

Yeah, actually... when you come to think of it. I COULD. If I didn't love the person, I'd start playing and observe the reaction. and usually, there was none, if the person was really in love. And it'd make me loose any traces of respect towards the person. I'd continue the humiliation to a larger extent.

Oh yes. So easy to see it now. The answer is simple: a lack of love.

OK, so what do I do about it, then?

The thing I always wanted to do, since I was a small child - I GO AWAY. I need to get away from this equation, this can continue without me. And not hold on to another meaningless pussle, where I'm treated EXACTLY the same way, as my father treated me. As in, lack of love, lots of humiliation and mountains of justifications I'd invent.

But really get away. Far very far. Or at least, as far as their manipulations can't reach me.